CapeGirl

My Guardian Angel was looking out for me.  My department manager just called and offered me my job back!  There was some sort of mistake and miraculously my position is safe.   Guess I’ll have to change my theme song.

My new theme song is Pink’s “So What”.  So what if I got laid off, I am still A ROCK STAR.  I’ll find another job but will they find another make-up artist as good as I am?  Nope!  Will they find another fabulous & experienced aesthetician/massage therapist willing to put up with all the BS?  Doubtful!

Plus I didn’t give in and drown my sorrows in cheeseburgers.  That proves I’m bamboo, I bend but I don’t break.

I now have some free time  I’m gonna spend it wisely.  I’ll be with my family, I can visit back home, I can work out and go back to school.   So what if I don’t have a job at the moment.   I’ll find another one eventually and until then I’m going live like a Rock Star…doing whatever I want.

Sing it with me sisters SO WHAT I’M STILL A ROCK STAR! I GOT MY ROCK MOVES AND I DON’T NEED YOU!

Tyler voted for the very first time yesterday.  He went to the polls in our very conservative Ohio neighborhood proudly wearing his Gay Pride pin and cast his vote for Barak Obama.  A California man gave him that pin during a very dark time in Tyler’s life.  This man is a member of The LA Gay Men’s Chorus and he is one of many who reached out to Ty.  From Boston to California and everywhere in between proud, strong, gay men supported and inspired my son.  They prove that Tyler can achieve his dreams.  He can be proud of who he is,  live his life freely and have a family of his own.  Obama’s victory confirmed the LGBT voice counts.

It was a bitter sweet victory though.  We learned California, Florida and Arizona fell to prejudice and banned gay marriage.  Arkansas banned gay families from adopting.  These were painful blows.  California’s Proposition 8 especially hurt,  it directly effects the men that are heroes of gay pride to our family.  However, the fight for equality is not over. 

To those who wrapped themselves in the flag and say it’s for the good of the country, our Pledge of Allegiance states “with liberty and justice for ALL”

To those who cover their bigotry in the bible and say it’s for Jesus, Jesus never said a word against homosexuality but he said a lot against judging others.

To those who say my child does not deserve the same civil rights as their child, may your child grow to be a better person than you.

To those who say a gay couple should not raise children, when Tyler’s father turned away from him for being gay, it was gay men who stepped in and became his role models.

Do not despair, we will not only recover from these losses but overcome them.  I know this because my son cast his very first presidential vote while wearing his gay pride pin.

Love and peace to you all,

Lori

My son, Tyler was hit by a car today and survived!  He was riding his bike to work and when he crossed a side street he was side swiped by an aqua green 4 door.  The driver of the car slowed down but never stopped.  He was thrown from his bike and his bike is trashed but he’s OK.  He was cat scanned and x-ray at Saint Es and deemed a bit concussed and really bruised but no broken bones.  Yeah!!!!!

I was informed tonight that my Grams time is more limited than we thought.  Her lung drain is working but it’s also showing us how poorly her body is functioning.  I won’t have my Grams much longer but I’ve had over forty years with and for that I am grateful.  She has taught me a lot over those 40 years.  Most importantly she taught me to appreciate the gifts you get in life.

So I’m thankful for the following gifts today:

My son, Tyler is alive and well as are all my children.  They have their struggles but they are all healthy, happy, kind and caring people.

I still have some time left with my Gram.  How lucky am I that I get to tell her how much I love her.  Some people don’t get a chance to say goodbye.

My husband is my best friend and I still think he’s cute.

I get homesick and miss my friends.  But Heide, Frank, Erin and I talk enough that sometimes it feels like I am home.  New friends like Jenn make even Ohio bearable even fun.

I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and health insurance these days in the US that’s damn good.  I don’t I have to wear a burka and I have freedom of speech and I can vote.  Plus I didn’t binge.  I am the luckiest girl in the world today.

It’s been a while since I’ve had time to blog.  I’ve been busy with the new job which has kept me too busy to binge.  That’s a plus but the minus is CANKLES!  That’s right CANKLES, ugly, swollen, purple hued, hang over your shoe Cankles.

For those of you too young or too thin to know what cankles are I’ll explain: Cankles are where your calf and foot meet.  It’s the spot on your body where your ankles should be.  However instead of a thin, bony area connecting calf and foot you have a puffy, bulging, purplish, pillow of fat with a consistency slightly firmer than marshmallow.  The only thin and delicate part of my body I had left is gone.

I’m on my feet for 8 hours a day working my make-up magic and skin care savy.  I’m there to help people feel and look beautiful and sell wonderful Origins products.  I’m a licensed aesthetician, experienced and expert.  I should inspire confidence not horror.  When you need beauty advice do you want it from a woman wobbling around on swollen inner tubes of purple flesh?

The worst part of cankles on a fat girl is shoes.  As a fat girl fashion is limited.  In clothing Versace does not make size 18, you will not find Marc Jacobs in XXL or Donna Karen large enough to contain jello thighs.  In shoes though, you can wear any designer you want (you may not be able to pay your mortgage after buying designer shoes but they do come in your size).

My point is shoes are the even playing field of fat and thin girls.  Example, skinny bitch might be wearing size 0 jeans but I’m wearing Manolo Blahniks so I don’t feel fashion disabled.  In the Sex & The City movie I could never imagine wearing any of the clothes, but the shoes.  O yeah baby I could totally rock the shoes!  Until now. 

Now  I’m unable to cram my swollen trotters into a pair of stilettos and wobble precariously around.  I’ve tried every pair of looks good and good for you shoes there are to no avail.  This is it girls if I do not lose weight I am doomed to ugly shoes and support hose.  Everytime I want a cheeseburger I will think of my beautiful leopard print Steve Madden stilettos gathering dust in my closet. 

I’m back editing this blog cause I had a brilliant idea.  I just took my favorite pair of high heels and put them on top of my refrigerator.  Then I hung my jeans from my skinny days (which was about a month in 1999) on the front with magnets.  I won’t rumage for snacks in there if I have to look at what I can’t wear anymore.  Do you think my local McDonalds will let me hang my old bikini on their front door?

Life is good for me and here’s why….

My kids are wonderful!  They are healthy, happy and kind.  They are politically, environmentally and globally aware.  Even when they’re having snarky teenager moments I really like who they are as people.

I have the stomach from hell.  It’s bloated, crampy and generally uncooperative.  It’s big enough to have it’s own zip code and one little strawberry seed can take me down like Mike Tyson.  But diverticulitis is not life threatening and I consider myself lucky.

I’m still a fluffy girl (I prefer fluffy to fat thank you very much) but I lost another pound.  It’s not the 50 lb loss I want, but it’s still a loss.  Maybe my jeans won’t feel like they’re cutting off my circulation from the waist down today! 

I still live far away from home and I miss my family and friends terribly.  However, I can still talk to them by phone and email.  I will eventually make friends here too.  I’ll see my move as an adventure not a disatvantage.  I’m thankful I have a home. 

Plus I finally got a job!  It’s with a company I love, Origins!  Ok so I’m not an exec, I’m working the counter in Macy’s.  But I’m working for a company that cares about the enviroment, it’s customers and has big charitable streak.  How freakin cool is that?  I’ll be selling and using products that are good for you, good for the enviroment and actually work!  As an aesthetician and make-up artist I’ve worked with a lot of products.  Most of them over priced and over hyped crap.  Now I’m working with a product line I believe in and for a company I admire.  Their mission statement: 

Our mission at Origins is to promote beauty and wellness through good-for-you-products and feel-good experiences.  We do this by celebrating the connection between Mother Nature and Human Nature.

How can you not love a company like that?

So life is good sisters!  Drink in the sunshine today and be happy for the little gifts we get.  To Anyone who’s struggling today I send you hope and strength.   To anyone who’s not feeling like the beautiful creature they are, come see me and I’ll work a little Origins magic so you can see & feel your beautiful self. 

I’m finally home from hospital.  I didn’t have to have surgery.  I left with all my bits & pieces and the realization that I really am a food-a-holic.  The diagnosis  Diverticulitis.   Basically I’m such a food monger even my intestine is saving snacks in little pouches.  This caused an infection, which caused severe pain and a high fever.

My hospital stay was chock full of 3 am blood draws, green jello, pain meds and nausea and one hot surgeon.  I finally convince hot Doc that I didn’t need surgery or hospitilization by refusing all pain meds (which I did indeed need) and walking cheerfully around the halls ( which caused me to need pain meds even more).  I continued to walk around with a smile plastered on my sweaty, pale face.   Faking it until hot doc agreed to let me go home. 

I was sure I would get better faster in my own home.  At least there I could sleep without being woken at 3 am by a cranky plebotomist with frightening long acrylic nails.  She apparently felt it was my fault she was having trouble drawing my blood.  After sticking me several times with no results other than large bruises she declared me uncooperative and dehydrated.  She left in a huff stating it wasn’t enough blood and she would have to come back (in a tone that indicated I had better get my ucooperative viens under control or I’d be sorry). 

So now I’m home and with orders to take my meds and stick to a clear liquid diet.  What did I do?  I ate bacon and eggs of course.  Now who in their right mind does that?  Did I have pain from eating?  Why yes I did, extreme pain.  Did that stop me, nope it didn’t.  I ate that bacon like my life depended on it.  Does this make any sense?  Nope. 

What the hell is wrong with me?  You’d think pain would be the one great diet motivator.   I’m a food-a-holic.  With that said I’m kicking the bacon habit and going back to a liquid diet.  Here I come green jello, I will just have to pretend you are a hot & greasy burger.

I’m heart broken over a break up.  Only it’s not my break up, it’s my sons.  My junior in high school son and his long time boyfriend (yup that’s right he’s gay and I’m good with it so if you aren’t stop reading my blog) broke up. 

So why am I heart broken over this kid, Adam?  I have four children, 3 boys and 1 girl.  Two of my children are adults now so I’ve seen a few boyfriends and girlfriends come and go over the years.  Some of them I liked, some I didn’t.  When the boy & girls friends of my other children moved on it just seemed par for the high school course.  Just puppy love.   So why such heart ache over this one child especially since he broke my sons heart? 

Maybe it’s because Adam lifted Ty up when Ty’s biological father rejected him for being gay.  To have a parent reject who you are out of prejudice is damaging to your heart and soul.  Adam helped Ty believe he was worthy and cast off the pain of his father.  Ty helped Adam to be proud and truthful about being gay. 

Maybe it’s because Ty helped Adam grown and Adam helped Ty heal.

Maybe it’s because I was the first adult Adam trusted with the truth about his sexuality.   The fact that he trusted me with such an important secret created a bond.

Maybe it’s because Adam appreciated things about me that my kids take for granted.

Maybe it’s because he laughed at my jokes, actually liked to go shopping with me and not only listened to my advice but followed it!

Maybe it’s because when Ty got to high and mighty Adam was there to bring him back to earth.  When Adam was too tied to the earth Ty taught him to reach for the stars.

All these things made me love Adam.  All these things made him special to me.  All these things made him one of my children.  And now he’s gone.  Ty will get over it like we all get over our first love.  He was hurt by Adam’s foolish mistake.  However Adam was a gift to Ty when he needed it most.  For that and all the other reasons given I will miss Adam and mourn his loss.  I will always be thankful for the joy Adam brought to my son and myself.

Ty lost his first love, but he will find another in time.  I lost a child and you can never replace a child in your heart. 

I really want a cookie, actually I want about 100 cookies.  I won’t even have a cookie crumb though.  I’m not using my emotions as an excuse to eat poorly.  I’ll have a glass of ice water, check on my sons and be thankful for life I have.

Since I started walking and working out at home again I thought a bit of shopping motivation was in order.  I just wanted to buy a couple of wide leg capri yoga pants and maybe a t-shirt or two.  Seeing I’m a big girl I can’t just run to the mall and grab something off the rack because there’s only 3 choices, Lane Bryant, Avenue or Fashion Bug.  Old Navy used to have a plus size section in the stores but now it’s only online, guess they didn’t want us seen in the actual stores.  Why we’re we making the skinny girls nervous?  Or jealous because we have we have boobs that we didn’t have to buy from the plastic surgeon.  Any way let’s talk about these 3 available stores for a sec. 

Lane Bryant, you need a bank loan to afford shopping there.  Come on do they really need to charge $50 bucks for a shirt that isn’t designer, is made in a 3rd world country and the quality well lets just say for $50 bucks I should be able to wash it more than twice without it falling apart. 

Avenues pricing is a little bit better but style is lacking, quality is average but I can NEVER find my size.  Do they hide the size 18s?  Do they only stock 1 size 18 per store?  Does the merchandizing dept. think there are only 2 size 18s per town? 

Fashion Bug pricing is about average but the style is what your grandma would wear if she wear if she liked everything bedazzled.  What the hell is with all the rinestones at that store?  Because we are larger women does not mean we want every clothing item covered in sparkly butterflys.  You look in the misses section of the store and there are a ton of cute wearable clothes.  Then you move to the plus side and everything is covered in rinestones and or has giant prints.  Fashion Bug please as a big girl I don’t want to wear more rinestones than a 70s country music star and those god awful prints should be on shower curtains not women.

Because these stores don’t carry much in the way of yoga & work out gear I head to the web.  Now on the web there is more variety but apparently not in yoga outfits.  I found a few things but none of the cute and fashion forward stuff they have for the skinny girls.  Why is that?  Do these companies think only skinny girls do yoga or maybe only skinny girls want to look cute while doing yoga?  Maybe they think us fluffy girls should only wear black, skin tight legging type yoga pants.   Cause we all know how flattering skin tight lycra leggings look on big girls.  Who doesn’t want to their legs and butt to look overstuffed sausages?

If I sound bitter it’s because I AM.  I want to be able buy the same styles as thin women at a decent price.  If the health studies are right and America is a country of fat people then there are more big girls than there are thin girls.  So listen up retail fashion start giving us what we want.  And we what want it isn’t over priced, rinestone covered, shower curtain prints in unnatural fabrics.  In this economy you can’t afford to piss us off, we are a large (no pun intended) consumer market.

OK, so I fell off the food wagon.  It’s time to dust myself off and get started again.  I’m not going to look at it like I failed.  I’m looking at like I had a little vacation.  We we’re transfered out of state again.  I had a stressful time of it but now we are settled into our new home. 

I’m not going to use food to cure my loneliness or aniexty about our new move.  I have to use this as an oppertunity.  At least I’m far enough away to I don’t have to see my exhusbands stupid smirk anymore.  Now that’s a bonus.